


pocket knives and zip ties

by autistic_nightfury



Series: things i keep on the shelf of my heart [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Age Difference, Aged-Up Character(s), Childhood Trauma, Daddy Issues, Depression, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mild Sexual Content, Self-Bondage, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, chan calls woojin dad bc he has Daddy Issues, oof, please read the authors note, self projecting onto characters for the sake of staying relatively sane, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 14:42:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18390485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autistic_nightfury/pseuds/autistic_nightfury
Summary: “If you want to keep all your teeth you should shut the fuck up.”





	pocket knives and zip ties

**Author's Note:**

> you should read warmth and comfort before reading this one to understand things
> 
> *jazz hands* i'm depreeeeeeeeeessed, and taking it out on fictional depictions of kpop idooooooooooooools
> 
> additional warnings: mentions of alcohol, self harm, a mental breakdown, two ppl talking about sexually assaulting chan, woojin has violent intrusive thoughts... yeeah, this is the shit in my brain. please dont read if you think you cant handle it

Sometimes things were great.

They slept in the same bed, shared showers, made love early in the morning when when they both woke up hard and desperate. They got drunk on soju on weekends, watched bad dramas to fill the silence while they sloppily made out.

But most of the times they were just good.

Chan would press a kiss to Woojin’s cheek before dashing off to catch the train to school, would text him throughout the day and send cute selfies, pick up dinner on the way home. Woojin would scribble love letters on post-it notes between customers, take pictures of dogs passing by and send to him, pick up a single white rose on the way home.

Chan’s mother still hated the older man, but Chan didn’t really care anymore; Woojin had pierced his septum as a finally-realizing-our-feelings gift, and bent him over the bathroom sink afterwards, and that had been enough to make him forget it.

 

“Hey baby?” Woojin asked, hand rubbing up and down Chan’s side.

“Yeah Dad?” Chan answered, absentmindedly scrolling through Twitter. 

“Can I call you my boyfriend?” He didn’t miss the way Chan froze up, thumb stilling in midair, shoulders and back tense.

“Do I have to stop calling you Dad?” He mumbled, and Woojin felt his heart break for the nth time ever since he first got to know him.

“Of course not baby, you’re always allowed to call me that.” And Chan relaxed in his arms, putting his phone down to cuddle closer to him; Woojin thought that maybe this could be heaven, just for a while, before they had to face the world again.

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

 

Sometimes things were bad.

Chan rocked back and forth, hands pressed tightly over his ears, blood slowly dripping down his arm. Woojin was on the other side of the door, but he couldn’t stand up, head swirling with dark thoughts preventing him from letting his boyfriend in.

“Daddy, I-I’m so-sorry, Dad…” He sobbed, and the guilt just washed over him as he heard Woojin hiccup outside.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, I promise baby.” Woojin’s voice was shaky, and Chan bit his arm; it was his fault, his boyfriend was out there crying for him, his Woojin, Dad-

 

Woojin fumbled with the door lock, dropping down on his knees as soon as it opened. He crawled up to Chan, pulling him gingerly into his lap and holding him close.

“I’m so sor-” Woojin held Chan’s face a few centimeters from his own, his eyes boring into the younger’s.

“I don’t want you to apologize to me for being depressed, or for hurting yourself, ever again. Okay?” Chan desperately shook his head, but Woojin just hugged him closer, whispering words of comfort and praise until he was limp, only movement being his foot tapping the floor anxiously.

“Okay Dad.”

 

He hated school.

He wasn’t exaggerating; he really, truly hated school. The teachers were nice enough, but the subjects were soul sucking and his fellow students were a pain in the ass.

“Hey Chan hyung, you don’t live with your parents anymore, right?” He lifted his head from the table, glaring at Jeongin who was leaning over him with a confused expression.

“No? I moved out last year.”

“Then why has ‘Dad’ been blowing up your phone with messages about getting groceries on the way home?” Chan swore, snatching his phone away from the prying eyes of the redhead.

“None of your business.” He mumbled, and Jeongin huffed.

“Is it your mystery boyfriend I’m not allowed to meet?” Chan’s silence yelled the truth, and Jeongin leaned in with a shit eating grin. “So it is. Why is he ‘Dad’? Is it like a sugar daddy situa-” Chan just groaned, slamming his head down on the table surface again and flipping him off.

 

Woojin felt bad when Chan sent back a string of sad emojis, but he couldn’t do anything to change the fact that he would be home late. He sighed, pushing the palms of his hands against his eyes until he saw stars floating in the darkness.

“It’s lunch time hyung, c’mon.” Felix’s face was tired but cheery, as usual, and Woojin patted him on the back as they went to the break room.

 

Even when he was feeling fine, he wasn’t. It was obvious to anyone who knew what to look for. The way he didn’t let people touch his left arm, the way he flinched when trains and cars drove past at high speeds, the way he avoided the subjects of family and sex around his classmates, the way he shied away from large groups of people.

When he thought about what Jeongin had said a few days prior, it drowned his rationality in doubt. When he thought about it, it wasn’t too untrue. When he thought about it, he was leeching off of Woojin. When he thought about it, he was a burden.

 

Chan’s anxiety attacks were rare, but they happened. What didn’t happen however, was Chan tying himself up with zip ties in the bathtub.

When Woojin stepped into their apartment he had expected to be attacked in a big hug, but Chan wasn’t even in the kitchen. He only found him because his sobs were loud enough to echo from the bathroom.

“Hey, it’s okay baby, Dad’s here, c’mon, Daddy’s here.” He soothed as soon as he opened the door, climbing into the bathtub and pulling Chan close, stroking his hair, freeing him from his bounds with his ever present pocket knife.

Chan had calmed down as soon as Woojin had sat down in the bathtub, and the tears running down his face were quickly wiped away as soon as they fell.

“I should die.” Woojin jerked his head up so fast he nearly got whiplash, and pulled Chan impossibly closer to his chest, panic simmering underneath his skin.

“Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t you ever fucking dare kill yourself because I will bring you back to life just so I can die with you.” Chan looked up at him, terrified, and Woojin pulled him in for a kiss, rough and angry, teeth clacking and noses bumping. There was blood in their mouths, but they didn’t care. 

They had each other, and that was the only thing they cared about.

 

“-wouldn’t fuck him? He’s gorgeous.”

“Nah, too fucked up, haven’t you seen his arm? It’s covered in scars.”

“He’s probably really kinky though. Wanna bet he would get hard if you shoved him against a locker? Maybe we should try-” Chan stood up abruptly, his chair scraping against the ground and then falling over with a loud thud. The entire classroom fell silent, and he looked at the two guys behind him, obviously embarrassed at being caught whispering about him.

“If you want to keep all your teeth you should shut the fuck up.” He hissed loudly, and stared them down, and when the teacher asked him to sit down he just glared at her, grabbing his backpack and leaving the room. He ignored the angry tears in his eyes, ignored the teacher shouting his name through the hallway, ignored the heat stirring between his legs, ignored how the comments swirled in his head.

The only way to handle it was to ignore it.

 

For Chan to come to his job wasn’t that unusual, but for him to burst in during the school day, swollen face covered in tears and snot, completely disregarding the other coworkers trying to stop him, and practically throw himself at Woojin was extremely unusual.

“Dad, Daddy, please, help me, Daddy…” He cried, and Woojin picked him up, letting him wrap his legs around him, and was shocked to feel how hard Chan was against him. He made eye contact with Felix, who pointed to the break room, and Woojin mouthed ‘thank you’ across the room. He walked fast, trying to avoid confrontation but one of his coworkers grabbed him by the arm and stopped him.

“What the hell are you doing oppa?” She hissed, and Woojin tried to pull away from her, but she dug her nails into his skin, and her eyes into his.

“I just need to help him, he’s having a mental breakdown-”

“What the hell is going on?” He sighed heavily, and pulled away from her, glaring.

“None of your fucking business.” 

 

Chan couldn’t stop shaking. No matter how hard he tried to relax, spasms wracked through his body. 

“I sh-shouldn’t have done that, I’m-” He bit his lip, knowing that he shouldn’t say sorry. Woojin sat down, holding him close and whispering soothing nonsense into his ear.

“You should try to text me next time, okay? Good baby.” Chan nodded, raising a shaking finger to trace Woojin’s jaw.

“I love you Dad.” Woojin leaned down so they could connect their lips softly, and Chan tried to forget himself in the sensation, to let his mind go.

“Excuse me, hyung?” Woojin pulled away from him, and Chan peaked up under his bangs. A freckled man with blonde hair and a heart shaped face was standing at the door, a worried expression on his delicate features.

“Yeah?”

“I could drive you two home. I talked to the manager and she agreed to give you the rest of the day off.” Chan could feel Woojin nod above him, and then his boyfriend stood up with him still in his arms.

“We would really appreciate that.”

 

“So, I’m guessing that the Daddy thing wasn’t a one-off?” Felix asked Woojin as soon as he stepped back into the kitchen, and he sighed.

“I guess he sees me as a father figure.”

“He sees his boyfriend as a father figure? And it’s not a sex thing?” Woojin groaned, hiding his face in his hands.

“For the record, he called me Dad before we started dating. And it’s never been sexual.” Felix just raised an eyebrow.

“Like that makes it any less weird.” Woojin glared at Felix, stalking over to crowd him against the counter.

“You have no right to tell him that his way of coping is weird. He’s been through so fucking much.” Felix gulped, avoiding Woojin’s steely gaze.

“Okay hyung.”

 

Chan didn’t want to touch himself, because the only reason he needed to was because of two assholes assuming his sex life and mental health history; he just wanted it to go down on its own, didn’t want to have those thoughts in his head as he got off. He fisted his hair in his hands, tears dripping down his nose and onto his t-shirt.

“Oh baby, what happened?” Woojin whispered as he slid in behind him, his arms coming to rest around his waist.

“These… These fucking assholes in Math today were talking about me, like I wasn’t even there, like I was just too messed up for a normal relationship and that I-” He slapped one hand over his mouth, trying to keep the whimpers from escaping. “They said I would get turned on by getting slammed into the locker, and that they should try and I just- Fuck, they talked about assaulting me and it turned me on…” His voice got more and more quiet as he spoke, but Woojin heard it all. 

“It’s okay.” Chan exploded, turning around and pushing Woojin away from him.

“It’s not okay! It’s not okay, they’re right I’m so messed up-” Woojin grabbed his wrists, but Chan ripped himself away and stumbled off the bed.

“The human brain is messed up! You’re not a monster just because your body reacts to stimulus!” Chan shook his head, sinking down in a corner, his shoulders shaking.

“I’m, I’m-” He sobbed, nails clawing at his arms, teeth sinking into his lips.

“You’re mine. My beautiful baby, and nothing you say can change that.” Woojin cut in, kneeling down on the floor in front of him, his hands outstretched.

“But, Dad-”

“No. You’re my beautiful boy, and it doesn’t matter if the thought of sexual assault turns you on, ‘cause it’s not a choice! It’s your brain being fucked up, just like mine!”

 

Woojin had thoughts about torture and killing since pretty early on. He remembered when he found a dead rabbit in the woods; he had poked it with a stick in curiousity before being dragged away by his mother, being berated for playing with dead things.

He watched horror movies, played violent video games, but it was always there in the background, always a lingering thought. Telling him to punch his brother, or stab his mother while cutting vegetables, telling him to use the cheese grater on his own arm or drop the dog from the second floor window.

“I think about murder most of the day, Chan. You don’t even know how many times I’ve thought about just… gods, all of the ways I could hurt you. But it doesn’t mean I want to.” Chan looked up at him, a nearly… Hopeful look in his eyes?

“I… Can we sleep?” Woojin was taken aback by his request, but nodded and helped him stand up again, immediately enveloping him in a bone crushing hug.

“We can talk more tomorrow, okay baby? Dad loves you.” Chan sniffled against his shoulder, and Woojin picked him up, carefully laying him down on the bed.

“I love Daddy.”

 

Chan needed to talk with Woojin about his thoughts, but he didn’t want to; telling your boyfriend to hurt you so you don’t self harm would probably get you dumped. But he had to, because keeping things bottled up would just make him explode.

 

Woojin never wanted to let go of Chan, no matter what. Always wanted to hold him close and keep him safe.

**Author's Note:**

> if you want something more fluffy, like woochan, and my writing? take a look at on land, off land (didn't expect that) if you feel like it.
> 
> hey y'all, i made a nsfw twitter? i dont really know what im doing with it but its fun so far, i'm @/toothywoochan, and my curiouscat is in my profile, under the same name


End file.
